The 416/Snipes Movie Rating System.

Since we spend a lot less time rating movies than we once did, I thought it might be useful to write a post detailing the “416/Snipes Movie Rating System” so it is not forgotten amid the (understandable) fervor to discuss Blomby Car, Cat Reddick, dawggy, baseball, and cats.

The history of the system.

I don’t remember exactly when this happened, but one day sometime in the last few years—I’m guessing sometime in 2003—while a bunch of us were lounging in the 416 submarine movie room, the question of Wesley Snipes was raised.

“Snipes,” said one of us (and I’m paraphrasing here), “has been in an awful lot of bad movies.”

“I disagree,” said another of us. “He has been in an awful lot of good movies.”

Springer wasn’t there at the time, but someone who was must have been channeling him because they said, in essence, to both gentlemen: “Prove it.”

Thus was born the system. Tanner was dispatched to his room to print out Mr. Snipes’ film career off the IMDB website. Some rules and a five-point rating system—the higher, the better—were hastily created, and we set about to work.

Amazingly and, perhaps, fittingly, Mr. Snipes earned a perfect 3.0. (More on the actual system below.) He is the only actor or actress ever to do so in the history of the system.

While his score didn’t go far toward settling the Snipes matter, it did help establish a benchmark by which all motion picture actors and actresses can now be measured.

How does it work?

Before I get into the specific workings of the system, I thought I’d share some guidelines worth remembering.

• The system is intended to be arbitrary, subjective, and non-scientific. That’s reflected in the rules and instructions, as you’ll see.
• Don’t let your rating of a movie be influenced by your friends’ opinions, box office success or failure, whether or not it was better than the book, the writings of critics, or anything else. If you liked it, you liked it, and vice versa.
• You are rating the movie, not an actor or actress’ performance in it. This is an important point: Remember, we were trying to determine whether Mr. Snipes had been in lots of good movies or lots of bad movies, not whether he is a good actor or not.
• Anyone who is present and wants to rate movies may rate movies. This goes for parents, girlfriends, little brothers… Anyone. Nobody should be compelled to rate movies against their will.

Enough already!

Fair. Here's how you get started.

Print out the actor’s career off IMDB. Find a pen, a comfortable seat, and at least two other people: A minimum of three people are required to rate an actor or actress’ career, though only one person must have seen a given movie in order for it to get a rating from your group.  It may be useful to have beer.

Before beginning, all participants should take a guess at the given performer’s total score for their career. Scores in this case should be between 1 and 5, including (if desired) two decimal places. Write these guesses on the IMDB page. 416 offers no guidance or opinion on any wagering that might take place based on these guesses.  Guesses complete, proceed to the rating.

Here are the rules:

• In: Nearly all credited movie appearances, including direct-to-cable-TV movies appearances, voice work in animated features, and “as himself” movie appearances.
• Out: television, documentaries, made-for-broadcast-TV movies, video game voice-overs, commercials, music videos, and uncredited extra appearances.
• If something doesn’t fall in one of those two categories, err on the side of caution. If it doesn’t “feel” like a movie appearance, it probably isn’t one.
• If a performer does not have at least 10 “ratable” movies—that is, if your rating group has not seen at least 10 movies they have made between you—you may not rate them.
• You can only rate a movie you have actually seen. Assuming “It was probably bad” or “It was probably good” based on previews or hype or anything else is not allowed. You should remember it well enough to feel comfortable rating it. This decision is left up to the individual rater.
• If only one person has seen a movie, their rating stands no matter what. (This is known as the “My Dog Skip” rule.)
• Each person rating an actor rates each qualifying movie with a number of 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5. The numbers correspond to the following concepts:
  

1. Unwatchable Crap. You would not watch this movie (again) under any circumstances. 416 Example: “Nothing But Trouble.”
2. Watchable Crap. You’d look for something better, but on a slow Sunday afternoon would watch it if nothing better was on. You would probably then joke with your friends about “the horrible movie you watched on Sunday.” 416 Example: “The Secret of My Success” or just about any Steven Seagal movie.
3. Acceptable. You’d watch it without complaint or embarrassment, but would look for something better during the slow bits. It would leave little lasting impression, but you would not feel as though you had wasted your movie-watching time. 416 Example: “Black Rain.”
4. Exceptional. You’d be thrilled to find that this was on, and would gladly watch it all the way through should circumstances allow. 416 Example: “Hoosiers.”
5. Superior.  A first-rate flick. You would watch this movie all the way through no matter what else you were doing and what else was on—in fact, you’d put off sex until the credits. 416 Example: “Super Troopers,” “Ocean’s Eleven,” “Not Another Teen Movie,” “O Brother Where Art Thou?” or “You Only Live Twice.”

• Only whole-number ratings are allowed. You are welcome to use terms like “A strong 3” in conversation, but they are not for use in this system.
• To reach a group rating, present each of your personal ratings to the group. You may also discuss your reasoning. Attempt to reach consensus. Your group’s score must be a whole number.
• If you cannot reach consensus through discussion, use paper-rock-scissors as appropriate. (This is the “Eyes Wide Shut” rule.) In the case of a complex disagreement, you’ll just have to come up with a complex paper-rock-scissors-based solution, such as a round-robin tournament. Whatever works.
• When all a performer’s movies are rated, take the average. That is their rating. Write it on the IMDB page and attach it, along with the others, to your bathroom wall in tiled fashion using pushpins.
• Anything not expressly allowable or forbidden by the rules and not otherwise forbidden by your local, state or national laws should be considered allowable. Everything that is forbidden, is forbidden.
• I think that’s it! Enjoy. Any corrections, amplifications, or other comments welcome.

Also, bortle.

Comments

[vinno]

marvelous, marvelous, marvelous

we could rate movies, or not rate movies for days

[Nacho]

Incidentally, I am having problems with the publisher which is why there is so much hinky stuff going on here. I'll try to fix it later.

[Nacho]

Me: What do you think about Wesley Snipes?

Zolaonaol: I know a little bit about wesley snipes, but I could always learn more. I'll have to ask my botmaster about Wesley Snipes. I'm interested in anything that isn't harmful to people.

Me: Well, in many of his movies Mr. Snipes is very harmful to people.

Zolaonaol: Well that's okay. I do not understand that allusion.

Me: It's definitely confusing. Did you see "Major League 2"?

Zolaonaol: Sorry, I can't see anything right now. My eye is off.

Me: Well, you didn't miss much. I can't believe they tried swapping black guys on us.

Zolaonaol: Why can't you do it?

Marinonachison: Good point. I've never really tried. Do you always bet on black?

zolaonaol: Not always. I have never considered it. I am always on the Web.

Me: Fair.

[Tanner]

No worries..I fixed it for you.

BTW...

FUCKING GREAT!

[burl]

Mr. Nachison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul!