Larry Merchant is an Assbag

Whether or not you're a boxing enthusiast, I'm sure nearly everyone reading this has watched at least one fight on HBO, who in their 30+ years of coverage, has covered many a great fights since before I was born. Just to list a few I remember:

March 17, 1990: Julio Cesar Chavez TKO 12 Meldrick Taylor;

March 21, 1997: Montell Griffin WDQ9 Roy Jones, Jr. Jones' first loss;

March 3, 2000: Felix Trinidad W 12 David Reid. His 3rd win over a US gold medallist;

Feb. 10, 1990: "Buster" Douglas KO 10 Mike Tyson, Japan; 43-1 underdog won heavyweight title in shocking upset;

March 13, 1999: Lennox Lewis D 12 Evander Holyfield. Controversial draw at Madison Square Garden, NY;

and probably three of the most memorable were the Arturo "Thunder" Gatti vs. "Irish" Mickey Ward, which began in a bloody, but entertaining mess on May 18, 2002, and concluded with the third installment on June 7, 2003.

I can still remember seeing the blood gush out of Gatti and Ward like it was a faucet after they took turns using each others faces for punching bags...I can still remember how the entire fraternity house exploded when Tyson bit Holyfield's ear, for a second time....I can still remember watching de la Hoya beat the remains of the once gallant champion Chavez so badly that he quit after the eighth round while sitting on his stool in the corner….I can still remember the mixed emotions at the bar when Lewis dropped Tyson in the 9th round...but one thing that overshadows every bit of emotion that makes this sport so great is the unnecessary, untimely, and all-around awful announcing of HBO commentator Larry Merchant.

Mr. Merchant brings exactly nothing to the table and has scared me and my friends off a number of times from watching any of the post fight interviews, which is unfortunate because 1) you get to see the fighters beat up faces up close which adds appreciation to the incredibly tough mentality these men have, and 2) you miss all the previews for the upcoming fights. Mr. Merchant is so bad, he makes Jim Lampley (who is not that great in his own right) sound like Chris Berman. I just don’t get it, why do people like this guy?

His supporters argue that Mr. Merchant belongs on the air because he has been around so long he knows everything about boxing. I can tell you, it is not what Mr. Merchant knows or doesn’t know that makes him awful at his job, it’s that he’s a fucking commentator, and all I hear is blah-blah-blah when he opens his mouth, ever so slowly as it might be, because he has the presentation skills of a mortician, which seems fitting as he has to be close to visiting one for the last time. Patton was a great General in the mid-20th century, but I doubt he would have any idea how to win a strategic air war in Kosovo. Mr. Merchant may have had his day as well, but it is long gone, and people who still think this ass-clown needs to be on the air, are like the people of South Carolina who kept electing Strom Thurmond to the Senate despite the fact that he was senile for his last two terms.

HBO (as I’m sure they will be reading this), face it, this man is way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, past his prime. I can only assume that most of the people that watch HBO boxing are males in their 20’s and 30’s; they cannot relate to someone who was born in the 1930’s. You did the right thing by brining on Roy Jones Jr.; do the right thing now and dump Larry Merchant, I would bet my virginity that you would not lose a viewer. As for a possible replacement, Max Kellerman?

If anyone reading this would like to contact HBO to let them know your views regarding Mr. Merchant or any other programming, please call 866-339-2692. We did the impossible at ESPN by getting you know who off the air, lets see if we can do it again.

Comments

[Matt]

This is the most poignant piece of literature since Tolstoy’s “War and Peace”....being a long time hater of this Dick Schapp wannabe, I find myself liberated, slightly aroused and completely fulfilled by the text of this post. I’ve debated buying tickets to major fights for years, simply for the opportunity to ram this guys mic up his ass..bravo Vincent, bravo.

[Tanner]

Agree with Matt on this one (and of course Vinnie). Very well written although considering the subject of the article the better comparison is probably "Crime and Punishment".

[Nacho]

Boxing should be banned, you bunch of savages.

However, I agree with the suggestion of Maxers "Max" Kellerman as a replacement for Mr. Merchant. And I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO BERMAN.